


Final Desolation

by ez_duriri



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Smut, Pining, explicit rating because smut, inspired by the story of Tamamizu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:28:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26902138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ez_duriri/pseuds/ez_duriri
Summary: I’m already close to you.But I wanna be closer.
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru/Sugawara Koushi
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

“Who even is this person? Why are they in my head? 

A figure appears in my dreams. A lovely grin and cute squinting eyes on a pale face. I can’t distinguish any other features. It’s all blank, and I can only see his expression. They seem happy. Is it because of me?

I’m unsure, but one thing’s for certain: I love this person. Why? Again, I’m unsure.

They’re the only thing that makes me glow up as if I was in a thrilling volleyball match. Even better, actually.

I didn’t even know a person could make me feel such. I’m so selfish...

—————

The night before the Miyagi Prefecture Qualifiers, I had a dream. 

It’s  _ them _ again.

The world is always non-existent when they’re around. Literally. There’s no colour around me. It’s only white.

“Oikawa-san, I already know who you are.” They told me.

What?

—————

One look at our opponent. Competitiveness visible in my eyes.

Except, it all goes away for just a moment in the blink of an eye.

Who is he? And why is he suddenly engulfed in my head?

“Asahi! Don’t throw up here! Ah- Hinata! Not you too—! Yamaguchi?!”

An angel aboard on Earth?

Ah—wait. I’m playing a match. I can’t get distracted.

—————

We won. I can’t say I’m not at all proud.

I didn’t just win that winning score, though.

My eyes subconsciously gaze over to the silver haired beau across the court. He’s comforting his team.

What would it take for him to care about me like he does to his team? Nothing at all, I reckon. He seems like a nice person.

...I don’t know him. I shouldn’t make assumptions. He looks to be too good to be true. 

“Iwa-chan. Do you know number 2’s name over there?” I turn to our ace and ask him.

“Hm? No. Why do you care? Is it because he’s a setter?” Iwaizumi looks at me with an unsurprised face.

“Hey, it’s not like I target  _ every _ setter. Only the ones with  _ ugly _ natural-born talent. I’m only asking since…”

I can’t just admit it to anyone yet. I’ve literally only seen him for a few hours!

“He seems cool.” I just say. It’s a lame excuse.

“Wow, what a lame excuse. Cut to the chase.” Thank you, Iwa-chan, for making me realise my faults twice sometimes.

“Ugh, fine. I think he’s a good player.”

“And…?”

“What?”

“No follow up?”

“Do you think there is?”

Iwaizumi scans me like he’s a cyborg.

“Alright… Just ask him.” He says, looking sceptical and ignoring my question, before leaving the court.

I turn back behind me. As the ash blond was about to go, I caught up to him in time.

“Hi.”

I say a few feet away from him, which caught his attention. He looks back at me, and takes a look back at where he was initially looking. He finally looks back at me again, looking a bit lost.

I chuckle a bit at this. “Yes, I’m talking to you.”

“Ah, alright. Hello.” He greets politely.

“I’m Oikawa Tooru. What’s your name?” I ask.

The male in front of me lets out a breathy giggle. A sound that could cure my sadness at any given point. 

“Oikawa-san, I already know who you are.”

Deja vú.

“I’m Sugawara Koushi. Just call me Suga. What brings you here to me?”

“Ah, well, I thought you played well today. You felt indomitable when you were on the court. 

He looks surprised. 

“Ah, really? Thank you. But you were the star out there. You did great.” He smiles at me. He looks almost sad, and a bit nervous. It’s honestly hard to tell what he’s feeling exactly

“I wish to express to you that I had a good game.”

I smile at him and extend my hand for him. He brings his forth and we shake hands, then part them. I didn’t mean to yearn to hold onto his hand longer as we cut off the contact.

“See you later, Mr. Refreshing.” I wave at him goodbye and turn away, leaving.

“See you, Oikawa-san.”

I thought I was gonna leave the court feeling ecstatic, but this time it’s not for the reason I expected.

—————

It’s almost sad to see the other team. As much empathy as I want to feel, I don’t dwell on their sadness.

But it does hurt to see Suga upset.

He doesn’t show it much. He’s more of comforting the ones who do let their sadness out. 

I can’t look away, though.

If someone asked me what’s the most beautiful thing on earth, the first thing that comes to mind is you.

—————

I see a face in my dreams. A distinguishable one. 

As I thought, it was Sugawara.

He’s angelic. Silver hair, hazel eyes, beauty mark under his eye, lovely smile and all.

He’s actually no angel. He’s normal. But to me, he’s extraordinary.

I’ve only seen him ever since the qualifiers. I can’t pry his image out of my head anymore.

Is this the world telling me I had something great coming along my way?

Is it just to tease me of a fake reality?

—————

It doesn’t help that he’s in this prefecture. I seldom see him, and it’s not rare.

He’s eating a pork bun on a stone bench by a convenience store. It’s so mundane, yet I’m so attracted to him.

“Hi.”

He looks up at me. His eyes slightly open wider at the sight of me.

“Oikawa-san, hi.” He greets.

“Drop the honorific. Oikawa is fine.”

“Hm? Then how is you calling me ‘Mr. Refreshing’ fair?” He pouts jokingly.

“Well, calling you that is only appropriate.”

“And how exactly?” He raises a brow with a subtle smirk on his face.

“It’s in the name. You’re refreshing.”

Suga goes slightly pink again. It’s hard to tell, but I can see it well enough since I take in every detail of Suga with observation.

“Hah… I’ve heard it all before, but never gotten a nickname out of it.” He laughs, almost nervously. 

He’s heard it all before. I thought so.

“Well, it’s worth noting, so…”

Suga just briefly hums to himself, with the corners of his mouth raised a little. He then takes a bite out of his snack and I just subconsciously stare at him.

“Oh, um, you want?”

“Hm? Ah, no thanks. Sorry, I guess I was staring for no reason. My mind wandered.”

What a lie.

“Ahah, that’s ok. But are you not hungry? I can treat you.”

“Hm… I’ll pass. However, if you  _ do _ want to hang out some other time, that’s fine.”

“Ok. That sounds good.” Suga beams at me. I couldn’t help but smile to myself. Everything he does manipulates me into feeling warm inside.

“Anyway, I gotta go. See you, Mr. Refreshing.”

“See you Oikawa-s… uh, Oikawa.” I wave goodbye and he simply gives me a smile.

I’d give anything for that smile..

—————

“Oikawa, will you hurry up? We have to get ready and warm up.”

“Yeah, yeah, just for a sec. I drank too much water.”

On my way to the bathroom, I can’t help but feel happy that I get to see Suga again. Seijoh’s up against Karasuno. I wasn’t able to see him again after the pork bun encounter.

I enter the bathroom and do my business. However, a few very quiet pants of breath catch my attention. Someone else is here. I don’t see anyone; in the stall, maybe?

It’s not like it’s my business. I shouldn’t care. It’s just an observation.

I wash my hands and someone else comes in the washroom.

“Suga? We’re gonna prepare.”

“Mhm, Daichi, just gimme a sec.”

Suga!

Ah, wait, he’s doing his business. This isn’t the right time.

Wait, then why is he panting?

“Hello? Suga?”

“Ah, Oikawa?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Is there something wrong?”

“...No.”

“I heard you, though.”

“Ah… Well, don’t mind. You should probably get go—”

I pushed the stall door slightly, surprised it even opened and that Suga didn’t lock it.

Suga quickly shut it after I saw a glimpse of him inside.

“Oikawa!”

“Hmm… you were standing up.”

“...Please go away.”

He sounds embarrassed.

I open the stall door fully, but he doesn’t try to close it. He’s leaning his back on the wall with his hands in his jacket’s pockets.

“Sorry, I was just curious. What’s up?”

“Something.”

I scan his body. Now I see the problem.

Moose knuckle.

So  _ that’s _ what’s up (in more ways than one).

“It was an accident, it just suddenly happe—” He tries to explain but I cut him off.

I go inside the stall with him and put my hands on his sides, turning him around so he’s facing away from me. I pull him closer and let my hands wander down.

“Oikaw—ah! W-wait, Oikawa—”

“It’ll go away quicker if I help you.”

I gently touch him through his shorts, putting slight pressure on the tip.

“But… i-it’s embarrassing.” He pants.

“It’s ok. I won’t mind.”

“Won’t you feel weird that this is in your conscience?”

“No.”

My immediate answer made Suga go silent.

“Do you not want me to touch you?” I ask.

“N-no… Go ahead.”

I let his back press against my chest, and I rub him through the cloth, making him breathe heavily while there’s an occasional hitch. It sounds like he’s struggling on something.

“You can make noise. I won’t judge.”

“Nnh…”

He doesn’t give a definitive answer, but he does start opening his mouth a little and groans ever so softly once I put my hand on him, bare and in his underwear.

I rub my palm against his shaft, putting pressure enough to pleasure him; the tip of my fingers occasionally reaching his cleft. It wasn’t done on accident, but it seemed like it was. 

He subconsciously presses his bottom against myself (you know which part exactly) and moans. I try not to get into the same situation as him when I found him in the stall, but it’s very difficult to do so.

I pick up my pace when pumping his dick, and his noises and pants get more ragged.

“Nn.. ah~ I’m... almost…” He tries to explain but he doesn’t continue speaking. I get what he means though and I pull his shorts down, facing him to the direction of the toilet.

“Ah~ s-so close…”

I go faster when rubbing him and he full on moans when he lets the knot in his stomach untie itself while white fluid drips into the toilet bowl.

It’s a bad time to get hard from that. Luckily, I resist the urge somehow. 

I’m pretty sure I would think about this for the rest of my days.

Suga pants, his body still in contact with mine, and I just let him recover. He pulls away from my touch after a bit, though, and wipes himself clean.

“I’m sorry, Oikawa… but thank you.”

“No problem. You don’t need to be sorry. I initiated that I was gonna help. Do you need anything?”

“Ah, no. I think I’m fine now.” He says softly.

“You’re sensitive, though. Is that fine?”

“I won’t be playing until later anyway. It’s fine.”

We both get out of the stall, and I realise the pink blush on his cheeks that I didn’t notice while we were in the tall, closed off space that blocked the ceiling light.

I’ll definitely be thinking about this tonight.

Ah, right, we have a match. I almost forgot.

—————

“Hi, Oikawa.”

I turn around and, to my surprise, I see Suga.

“Hey there. What’re you up to?” I ask, not hiding my smile that’s been caused because of his presence.

“Uh, just grocery shopping. We’re in a supermarket after all.”

“Oh… right.”

The silver haired male laughs.

“Hey, I feel like I owe you.”

“Hm, why?”

“...Don’t make me say it.” He crosses his arms, frowning as his face flushes.

“Ah, ok, I understand what you mean.” He’s referring to the washroom incident. “But you don’t really owe me.”

“Well… at least let me help you with something? It’s not everyday a rival of yours does… y-y’know. It must be embarrassing for you.” The fact that he’s stuttering and flushed is adorable.

“It isn’t. Really. Buuuuut, I do want to ask something of you. Not because you owe me.”

“Hm? What is it?”

“Can we hang out more often?”

At this point, I should’ve known to evade and not get any closer.

—————

“Oikawa, hey. You’re early.” He comes towards me with a warm smile.

“I don’t wanna miss a second.” I say, winking with a smirk.

He simply laughs with a slightly sceptical look. 

“How charming. Now, let’s go. I’m cold.”

“Whatever you say.”

We walk through the cold wind breeze.

Your coat snug around your body.

The scarf all over your neck.

Thermal leggings squeezing your thighs.

If only I was your clothi—

“Oikawa, what do you want?”

“Huh?” I get snapped back into reality “Oh, uh… anything without caffeine is fine. You can pick for me what you think is good.”

“You’re putting me in a difficult position here. What if you won’t like it and it’s all my fault?” He looks at me, frowning a bit. I just smile at him.

“It’s my fault for making the decision that you pick, then. I’m gonna wait outside.”

“Okay~” He says in a sing-song voice.

Once I take a breath of fresh air outside, I start to ponder. Getting closer to him doesn’t make my situation any better, does it? I can’t tell him.

I’ll only disappear if he knew. 

I wanna coexist with him more

“Oikawa! Here’s your drink.”

“Thank you, Mr. Refreshing~” I say, then take a sip of my hot drink. “Mm, this is good.”

“Can’t go wrong with dark hot chocolate.” He shrugs, then we got by the bridge near the cafe area and settle there.

It’s like in the movies.

Except it won’t always end like one.

—————

It’s been 7 years.

I wasn’t myself back then.

An unbodied entity that just wanted another chance in life.

The world isn’t merciful. There’s a price for everything.

He can never love me. I can never love him without him knowing. 

My heart aches to say the words “I love you.”

“It’s true.”

“Believe me.”

A few encounters isn’t even enough to supposedly make me fall. Why is this happening?

—————

It’s been a year.

Graduation has passed.

University has started.

I didn’t think I’d wish Suga wasn’t with me. We’re in the same Uni.

If only he wasn’t there wherever I turned, then I’d get my peace.

Ironically, I’m at peace when I’m with you.

It’s like falling asleep soundly but you still know your deadline is the next day and you procrastinated.

Why can’t I just be with you normally?

—————

“Oikawa, finish your thesis!”

“Let me procrastinate mooore~”

“Nuh-uh. You’re going to get your butt on that chair in front of that computer and work on your thesis.”

“Hnnnggggg it’s boriiiing.” I whine, while Suga sits on my bed with his laptop on his… lap.

“Well, you have to do it. It’s for the best.”

“Hmmm? Look at Mr. Refreshing! Already being a good role model as a teacher and all~” I tease, and Suga jabs me in the shoulder.

“At least I’m no slob.” He crosses his arms.

“Wha-?! Suga-chan calling  _ me _ a  _ slob _ ? I’m truly hurt.” I lay down on the bed and sigh dramatically. Suga flicks at my cheek and I shriek.

“Ow…! Violence is never the answer, Suga-chan.” I tease even more.

“Well, it won’t be unless you do your work.” He threatens, half joking.

“Fine, fine, Suga-sensei.”

“Don’t call me that.”

—————

To be honest, I wasn’t working on my thesis. I was writing something else.

I’m sorry, Suga-sensei.

—————

A night out with college friends.

We’re all planning to get drunk.

I don’t like the thought of that, but I just go along with it anyway. Nothing bad would certainly happen. Hopefully.

“Whoo! Suga, you go!”

“Wahh, who knew Suga could sing so well?”

Every little thing I learn about him always makes me like him even more.

He’s so enthusiastic. I never thought Suga could be this energetic.

It’s no surprise that when we get back to the dorm, he gets tired.

“You could stay here, Suga.”

“No, it’s fine. I don’t want you to deal with a static human body that has a hangover on the floor.” He says modestly.

“No, I insist. It’s better if we’re together and having a headache rather than us being alone.”

“Hm… alright.” He gives in.

“I’ll let you sleep on the bed.”

As I make my bed for him to sleep, he mutters something behind me.

“Oikawa, you’re great.”

I avert my gaze from what’s in front of me and look behind me, not really seeing anything since I didn’t turn my head. I don’t let him know he caught my attention since he’s saying all this really softly, to the point I almost can’t hear. But I did.

“I like you, Oikawa-san.”

  
  
  
  


“Really?” I turn to him

Suga’s heart sinks to the floor.

“N-no. I mean, not that— You weren’t supposed to— I-I’m sorry, I’m going back—” He turns to go to the door, but I follow him.

“Nonono! Wait, Suga, don’t leave!”

“I’m sorry, I’m not really up to staying anymore.”

“Wait! Stay!”

That sounded too desperate.

“...What would you think of me now?” Suga looks back, on the brink of tears.

“Not badly! It’s not like I’ll hate you. I never will.”

“...But what’s your reply?”

I go speechless.

_ “I love you.” I say, _

But it’s all staying in my head.

“I thought so.” Suga says, before turning back to the exit.

“Wait! Suga! I didn’t— I’m sorry, please stay.”

I grab his wrist. He looks back at me one more time. 

“I just told you I liked you, yet you tell me to stay? What do you mean? You don’t even like me! Just hate me already! Why are you so difficult!” He breaks, tears stream down his face.

“It’s because I…”

“You don’t! Stop trying to make me feel better!”

He slams the door shut on his way out.

—————

I love you.

That’s all I know nowadays.

I was a nobody.

I wasn’t even human.

I wanted another chance to feel happiness.

I didn’t know the only happiness I wanted came from you.

The world didn’t give me a second chance, after all.

It’s a sick fantasy where you can’t even love at all.

I want you to be happy.

I want you to know

I love you.

—————

I want to give you the full story.

I popped up and into the world as a spirit.

I was never born young. I just happened to exist as who I am.

Or was.

You see, I wasn’t happy.

I didn’t feel any happiness. 

I wanted to be something else. Shapeshifting wasn’t an option. It was always an illusion, not an identity.

I asked for me to become human. Humans are fascinating with their advanced technology and thinking.

I became one, but with a price.

I couldn’t have a lover.

I couldn’t tell you I love you because then, I couldn’t be with you.

But I realised it’d hurt more if you were in my reach and yet be so far out of it than if I just disappeared and been cleared out of your way.

I’d rather disappear than be hurt that I missed an opportunity to be with you.

I thought that dream was fate. My actual happiness.

Now, I just realise it  _ was _ just a fake reality for the sake of teasing me.

This world is cruel.

I’m glad you were in it with me, though.

—————

It might be selfish of me to say this, but, that night we were drunk, I wanted to make love to you.

I thought that maybe you would have dealt with it since you and I were intoxicated.

It seems a bit shallow, I know, but I want you.

More than anything.

And I couldn’t have you.

When you said you liked me, I was in the lowest of the low.

I couldn’t respond.

I’m so sorry.

That’s why I’ll say this again.

I love you.

See you later.

-Oikawa Tooru”


	2. Chapter 2

“...Oikawa?”

I say after I twist the duplicate key in the keyhole and open the door to his dorm.

“Hello? Good morning.” I say softly just in case he isn’t awake.

He isn’t awake.

He isn’t even here.

“Huh? Where did he…”

I find a letter on his desk next to his laptop.

—————

“Hello, Mr. Refreshing. Please don’t cry.” 

I say, leaning over towards a crying Suga.

“Oikawa… Why? What do you mean ‘see you later’?! You’re not dead! You’re not… Ugh, I hate you! You’re so cruel… I love you...”

He crouches down to the floor and cries in his hands.

“I know I’m cruel… I’m sorry. I love you, too.”


End file.
